The lovely John D brought to my attention a radio chat about ‘Relationship references’. The idea is that after a relationship, your ex writes you a recommendation.
Well, you can hope for a recommendation depending on how bad the split up was! Sometimes a ‘decline to comment’ may be more polite. I always think this is a fantastic and awful idea both at once.
Ideally you would want a good recommendation. Would you trust your ex to say nice things about you? This depends I guess on how bad the split was and the feelings involved. A long term relationship reference will be different to a short fling. The one who’s heart you broke? Will they get over being bitter and write something nice, or write something mean in the hope you never date again?
The flaw in this first of all is, would you really want to know all the good and bad points to a person straight up? Where’s the mystery and fun in finding out their little quirks? Also what irks one person, another may love. So if an ex is complimenting your ability to down 5 pints, a potential boyfriend may not be so impressed.
I actually have a reference written by an ex from when I was dating him at the time. Not a ‘relationship reference’ as such, I was a waitress and he was my manager. It says I was ‘loved and adored by clients’, have a ‘quirky sense of humour’ and was ‘charming’.
You need to be charming when you regularly get everything wrong and tip chips onto peoples laps! He might not have such nice things to say after I finished him, fled to London and cut all contact though.
I was now slightly intrigued as to what other ex’s of mine would say.
So I asked them to write me a ‘Relationship Reference’. Surprisingly they happily obliged!
“Relationship Reference for Vikki:
“During the approximately 6 months that I dated Vikki, I
found her to be heartfelt, loving, caring and totally genuine.
Having said that she was also a challenging and complex individual.
Without doubt Vikki was an exceptional lover; I look back
on my time with her as some of the most emotionally intense,
passionate and loving moments of my life. In bed she was beyond
amazing, but a word of caution: highly sexually adventurous so not
for the timid of mind or body. A* recommended.”
I really wasn’t sure what I was expecting to be written, but that really wasn’t it! A* recommended. I feel like that deserves a place on my CV. I’ve never had an A* before!
Vikki is a great lass, kind, caring, and always looks out for everyone. She doesn’t tolerate fools easily (which is a good thing) and she’s always quick witted and there with a joke. She’s exactly what most blokes want from a girlfriend, loves sex (like, LOVES), always tries to make you feel good about yourself, and most important isn’t afraid to tell you when you’re being a nob. Although it didn’t work out for me and her, that was purely because we weren’t right for each other, so whatever fella she ends up with in the end, he’s a lucky man!
Ah yes, if you’re being a nob, you will probably be put in your place. Slightly concerned about the ideas of what ‘most blokes’ want though!
So there you have it. My ex’s were actually rather nice to me. I’m as shocked as you. Do you think yours would be as kind?
Also how far do you go with this, will the next stage be showing your STI results and health assessments?
Would you want to see someone else’s references before dating them? Or do you think looking into past relationships is pointless? After all, each relationship will inevitable be different in every aspect.