I am ever so lucky to have had the talented Luke Stott to write another brilliant piece for me!
If you misssed his first post, you can find it here
Don’t forget to check out the links too, you need to check out the cheeky monkeys!

Did you know that a woman’s moan during sex is an evolutionary response designed to entice other males to have sex with her?
And its not just women who biology, like a desperate wingman prodding you and pointing at the fitty they know standing at the bar, tells us are a bit easy.

A Gorilla, a Chimpanzee, and Billy, a builder from Surrey, all go to the sexual health clinic. The doctor, having previously trained as a vet, is unperturbed by the Chimpanzee swinging from the lamp shade in the waiting room and the Gorilla munching the magazines. One by one the doctor, lets call him Doolittle, begs his patients into the office for their physical exam starting with the Gorilla.
By a heavy coincidence Doolittle is fluent in Gorilla so is able to ask all the normal questions including; oohh ohh oh oh ooh ohh ohh? which roughly translates as, ‘How many sexual partners have you had?’
One. Says the huge Gorilla before producing a set of drums and banging out a solo of In The Air Tonight. We’re getting married next month and we’re honeymooning in New York
During this anecdote the doctor can’t help but notice that the Gorilla’s testicles are tiny, especially when you compare them to those of the Chimpanzee who comes in next.

The little chimp is extremely well endowed in the testicle department with two tennis balls swinging between his legs. The doctor asks the chimp about his magic number,
‘What today?’ says the chimp, a hint of cockney in his voice having spent time in the London zoo, a cup of tea in his hand. ‘Five but I’ve only just had breakfast. I guess I’m in the 100s. I’ve had more fine primate pussy than I’ve had PG Tips. Got to go I’m late for my job as a copywriter. Turrah!’

Finally Doolittle asks the builder from Surrey into his office and asks him to drop his trousers, mainly because he’s the only patient who actually bothered to get dressed that morning. ‘Can you tell me how many people you have had sexual intercourse with?’ The doctor asks after cupping Billy’s balls.
I’d say around 20 or so mate. The birds can’t get enough!
Surprisingly Billy big bollocks’ testicular scale is roughly halfway between the Gorillas and the Chimpanzee. The doctor nods sagely to himself as he ponders what this means regarding human promiscuity.

You see Gorillas tend to have very few sexual partners so there’s very little sexual competition; they can afford to mate less often so only need small testicles to produce enough semen for the job. Chimpanzees on the other hand are very promiscuous and a male must take every available opportunity to impregnate a female; therefore he needs huge balls to create copious amounts of monkey spunk.
Billy the builder from Surrey is somewhere between. So whilst we’re not necessarily designed to all have the sexual libido of a rabbit on Viagra that subsists entirely on a diet of Oysters we’re probably not built to be totally monogamous our entire lives either. (Sorry Disney and the GOP!)
We’re sentient beings capable of choosing to ignore our biology in favor of higher level goals or aspirations; but should we bother?

Sex has a whole host of health benefits and is portrayed as the primary concern in our modern existence (well that and shouting at the contestants on The Apprentice that think purple eyeliner is a good idea, it isn’t; you look like you’ve given up sleep for lent whilst simultaneously dating Chris Brown).

I wonder though; might it be that our sexualized media is selling us what we really want but don’t care to admit to in public? Are we living out our sexual cravings through the purchasing of products laced with sexual imagery?

Are we still so repressed that you buy the shoes because you want to screw?
Well if your shoe collection is burgeoning on the obscene nature has one more lesson for you; listen to the panda.

Cuff me up
Chain me down
My tortured lips
Will make no sound

You strike me once
But not enough
I beg of you harder
Of that you must

My pert pink bottom
Forlorn in the air
As you punish it further
Painful as you dare

I look back
Catch the glint in your eye
You blindfold me
So I can’t spy

Throw me down
On the bed I thud
You have all control
Like a real man should

You push my boundaries
All my buttons as well
I feel you deep
As you start to swell

I let out a moan
Pleasure or pain
You don’t care
As you just came

My hair tousled
I peel back the mask
To reveal laid by a mirror
Do we look good, I ask

Individual sexual choices and lifestyles vary greatly from person to person and when exploring sex and sexuality what will do it for one may be a total turn-off for another.  Anal play has been practiced by humans for thousands of years.  The ancient Romans, Egyptians and Greeks were fascinated by it.  It is thought that the first use of beads for sex play was by Cleopatra who also had images depicted of her using a dildo.  Olive oil was commonly used as a lubricant and Petronius a Roman courtier 27-66AD wrote in his novel:

“Oenothea held up a leather dildo which she oiled and covered in pepper and crushed nettle seeds and began pushing it up my arsehole, inch by inch.”

With anal play growing in popularity throughout history, people can now buy anal beads at sex toy stores.  With this in mind I wanted to explore the practices of anal play through the use of anal beads.

What are anal beads?

Anal beads are sex toys that consist of multiple spheres, balls and other circular or cylindrical shapes that are held together to form a line that is inserted into the anus to give erotic pleasure.  The most popular are tapered in size the end bit (the side you insert first) being the smallest and increasing in size with each ball.  Other variations may be all the same size or randomly different sizes.  These balls may be held together by a string (Thai beads) or the same material as the balls whether that is rubber, plastic, latex, glass, silicone or steel.  Anal beads may be vibrating or non-vibrating.

Curved anal beads are very common

Versatility is the beauty of anal beads as they can be used in solo play, foreplay, couples play and as a prelude or conclusion to anal sex.  They can also be used either by men who will stimulate their prostate and achieve a ‘P-spot orgasm’ or by women who do not have a prostate but would like to experience ‘anal orgasms’.  The smaller sizes can be used for beginners of anal play.  Another option for beginners to anal play is butt plugs.  You can read about my first adventure with anal and butt plugs here.

Another popular type of anal beads are rigid, straight anal beads

They’ve also been really popular in popular culture as evidenced by these two clips:

How to use anal beads

The most common way for women to use them is to slowly insert them, stopping as each bead passes through the narrow sphincters in the anus.  As the balls increase it will cause dilation until the largest size is reached.  Some women will repeat this procedure whilst others will then move the beads inwards and outwards increasing speed to simulate real anal sex.  Men will insert the beads into the anus until the Prostate gland is found.  Then they will stimulate it by moving it backwards and forwards over the prostate to cause an ejaculation.  This method is called ‘milking the prostate’.

Another method that is very popular with Thai Beads is to fully insert the string and balls. Then lightly jiggle the string with slight pressure that will cause each ball to ‘pop’ out of the anus. When the ball or bead is between the internal and external sphincter muscles it will cause constriction of the anus.

Couples play

During couples sex anal beads are often introduced just prior to the woman orgasming vaginally. This will intensify the orgasm and in many cases women report having intense blended orgasms.  A blended orgasm is when an orgasm is experienced simultaneously from two different parts of the body.  Women can achieve orgasm from the clitoris, labia, vagina, G-spot, A-spot and anally as a result of stimulation or penetration. Men experience orgasms from the penis and the Prostate.

Will you enjoy it?

Rather than just using the anal beads on their own, they can also be inserted into the vagina or anus during penetrative sex. If you are planning on using anal beads in this way it is recommended that the anal beads have a method of retrieval that will not be dislodged during penetration. When the anal beads of fully inserted, a lover can insert their erection or dildo inside and gently thrust. The anal beads will move alongside the thrusts for additional stimulation.

Use lube!

You’ll need lube

As with any sexual activity revolving around the anus plenty of lubricant should be used.  The anus does not self-lubricate and also absorbs water so re-application is often required.  Also if any part of the anal beads is porous, like the string, attention to disinfection and cleaning of the sex toy before and after each use is imperative to ensure safety.  Any anal toys should not be shared, but if they are precautions such as placing a condom over it and using anti-bacterial spray should be used.

Anal Beads Wrap up

There is a high concentration of nerve endings in and around the anus that will allow intense sexual enjoyment when using anal beads if done properly.  The pudendal nerve in the external sphincter muscle actually branches to the dorsal nerve of the clitoris in women and the penis in men.  This is why many fetishes are known to include anal beads to heighten sexual desire and/or gratification during intimate play.  More popular ones include ass worship, enema play, BDSM, spanking, cuckold play, pegging and of course anal sex.  Check out my anal sex guide.

Would you be comfortable telling your partner about changes in their body.

Apparently, not enough of you tell your partners about their bodies. Do you not communicate or are you just having sex in the dark, quick in out and you’re done? I’m hoping that it’s neither!

How exactly, do you tell your partner that you think there have been some changes without offending them? Personally, I just tend to offend them. I don’t care that much. It’s better in the long run if something is wrong, isn’t it.

“Sorry babe, I did notice that you had a lump on your testicle, but I didn’t want to offend you”,
It is not helpful when told too late, if told at all. The earlier cancer is treated the higher the chance of recovery. If you dare not talk to your partner and be completely open, then what kind of relationship is that? If you notice any lumps on your partners testicles or breasts, tell them and make sure they get it checked out. If they panic, support them. That’s what a real relationship is about.

When do you tell them? Desire and Pleasure suggests after sex or being intimate. That’s it, make sure you get your sex before you perhaps offend them and they refuse to let you see them naked again. Of course, that wouldn’t happen. Even if you do offend them slightly, there’s always the make up sex!

I would just tell them as soon as I notice. No time like the present. Also, if it’s something minor such as hygiene, don’t expect me to suck it and then tell you afterwards. I will tell you now, and you can go wash it. Yes, I have done that before. Yes, I’m a bitch.

It’s time occasionally, to take off the blindfolds and pay attention to your partners body, and not just once this week. It’s an ongoing thing. Foreplay is the best time for this. A health check isn’t so scary when you’re getting kissed and sucked all over, is it?

Be honest then, would you tell your partner if you thought something had changed on their body?

Apparently couples in Western countries say I love you after 14 dates, where as city people will wait until 20.

I stopped counting dates after about 5, it got far too confusing! So as far as counting dates goes, it’s a bit of a fail. I’ve been dating L a month and three weeks. I have no idea how many dates that is, but we see rather a lot of each other, even if it is just for the odd hour sometimes.

I don’t think ‘I love you’ can really be based on dates. That’s way more to do with feelings and all that mumbo jumbo. I’ve never thought oh shit, it’s the 14th date, do I love him yet? Better wait until the 20th just to make sure. Neither of us have said it yet, and that’s absolutely fine. We just say we miss each other 🙂

Where as with sex, I think you count. More because of that stupid cliché of Sex On The Third Date.

The Western average is four dates, I fell into this statistic exactly with L. Although, for a city girl, I should have apparently waited a little longer until 6 dates. Well, what can I say, I’m a country girl really. The thing with sex is, you know if you wait too long, they will just lose interest. Yes, it makes them a dick if they do that, but unless you have a good reason, why wouldn’t you want to?

When I started dating, I always said I wouldn’t kiss the guy on the first date. Who wants to have to kiss a guy on every date? Far too much effort! L managed to kiss me on the first date though, damn it. Statistics say the first or second date, which is pretty usual really. If you haven’t kissed by the third, you’ll have done well to have gotten that far!

Apparently we introduce partners to friends after 6 dates. L met my best friend on the first date, she was in the area on her second date with a guy and I wanted to check him out so they stopped by the bar we were in for drinks. Thankfully this didn’t scare L away at all! I met his friends by the fourth date, as they’re his housemates, and well, we needed his bed!

Meeting the parents comes after 12 dates. I thought that would be more, I mean it apparently takes you 20 to say you love them. Why bother introducing them that early? No wait.. My mom’s visiting next weekend and asked to meet L.

I take that back.

I guess it depends more on how often you see them, how far away parents are etc. My mom wants to know who this man is I’m spending so much time with! As my mom lives 4 hours away, I can’t really say meet him another time. It’s up to L though, not gonna force him to meet her.

Moving in together is just in 60 dates. That seems rather soon! I see L about 3 times a week, and then when we’re not busy on weekends.. so that’s averaging 4 times a week. So in 15 weeks we’re apparently meant to be living together. That’s 4 months, and we’ve already been dating for one! (Unless my math completely sucks?) Erm sorry, I don’t see that happening any time soon.

Body shaming is unfortunately something which appears everywhere. In magazines, on television, even social media is full of adverts to ‘lose weight instantly’. They want us to be more tanned, skinnier, taller, slimmer, smoother. Why? To sell their products. Celebrities are seen with circles drawn around them picking out their flaws in bad angled photographs. People are encourage to nip and tuck until they look like Barbie dolls.

For the most of us though, we have become ignorant to this. We ignore the adverts, say screw the diet fads and are happy with what we have. Proud of our bodies. It’s not easy to get to the point of saying ‘Fuck it’ though, not when everyone is against you. Even my Grandma saying I have chubby thighs. But ‘respect your elders’ and all, I kept quiet.

The thing is though, this won’t stop others from saying things. Some are brain washed by the media to think that every body is perfect, everyone is airbrushed and photoshopped and cellulite doesn’t really exist. They want a barbie army.

I’m lucky as I am part of such a fantastic community of people who are beautiful no matter what their shape, size, color, height, sex, orientation etc. Being comfortable in your own skin is an amazing thing, but it doesn’t mean you always are.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

I posted a photo and being honest, I was thinking more about how scruffy my hair looked than my ass! However someone found the need to comment on my appearance, voicing their concern. Their concern that my ass and legs were going downhill. Oh. You’re concerned? They advised I squat regularly. I was genuinely speechless.

As I mentioned though, I am part of an amazing community who all had something to say on the matter. Not only did I have support on twitter, there were twenty eight more comments, twenty eight proud voices who were able to stand up and say “Fuck you”.

When someone challenges your body negatively or anyone else’s for that matter, you have the right to put them in their place. It is bullying and it is not acceptable.

If I see anyone being body shamed, I will happily lend my support and help that person have a voice when they feel they don’t.

One of the biggest issues about feeling bad about our bodies is that we don’t love our bodies as we should and then we become insecure which makes it much harder to enjoy intimate moments with a partner if you’re thinking about your thighs or cellulite or whatever.  Some even insist on having the lights off because they’re so uncomfortable with their own bodies.  It’s such a shame because you’re missing out on exploring your sexuality and all the massive amounts of pleasure that come with it.  The most attractive woman in the world is the woman who is comfortable with herself, confident in the bedroom and puts in some effort.

If you are insecure about your body, ask yourself this question, is your partners body perfect?

Neither of you are perfect and never will be so just enjoy yourselves and be grateful you’re alive and have your health.

Who has a jelly sex toy? I have one. It since went in the bin.  There are 2 major issues with jelly.

The first problem with jelly is, well, it’s jelly! So lets take this literally. If you got a bowl full of jelly, and accidentally dropped it on the floor, what would happen? It would get covered in dirt, hair, dust, bacteria and so on. The same with the vibrator, it’s filthy.  So why not just clean it?  Well you can, but it’s porous.  The bacteria and germs get everywhere and it’s very hard to clean properly, just as it would be to try and wash off jelly.

The second problem is that it may contain phthalates.  It is suggested that you use a condom on your jelly toys, as they may contain phthalates, but what’s the fun in that?  If you’re staring at that word thinking what on earth are they?! I’ll tell you.  It’s pronounced ‘Tha-layts’ and they are esters of phthalic acid which are used to increase the jellys flexibility, durability and transparency.  There are loads of health risks to it though, including breast cancer and infertility.  Even though most companies have got rid of phthalates and jelly products should be safe you have to be super careful and make sure you buy from a company you trust.  Always avoid jelly toys that don’t state their ingredients.

Jelly sex toys can be an inexpensive option but you get what you pay for.  If you do have them or use them, use a condom to protect yourself.  Personally I hate using condoms with sex toys so don’t use jelly toys.  There are so many options out there I don’t see the point in putting yourself at risk and not enjoying the event as much because I have to put a condom over a sex toy!