The last 6-12 months I haven’t been anywhere near as active on the blog as I would have liked.  Basically I took a bit of a hiatus.  I had so much going on in my life that I didn’t have the emotional or mental energy to deal with the blog.  At some stages in life you have more going on than others and it turns out that the last 6-12 months were super hectic for me.  Nonetheless I’ve come out the other end I feel a better person.  Having said that I’ve definitely become more cynical and have a harder edge but that’s life.

What I’ve learnt is that you really have to enjoy the great times because they won’t last forever. You also need to understand that there will be tough stages in life also.  We all go through them but it’s important to just keep on fighting on.

How it has impacted my sexuality is that my sex drive decreased.  Over the last couple of months I feel that my sex drive has slowly been coming back though and now it’s as big as ever.  These things take time and life is all about momentum, change doesn’t happen in an instant.  It took months to get to feel like myself again but I’m back now and feel that I’m myself again.

Going forward I can’t wait to explore my sexuality more with vibrators, dildos and some kinkier stuff like butt play.  Who knows ho kinky I’ll get?  The journey will be a lot of fun and there’ll be plenty of orgasms along the way so stay tuned.

First off, let us just reassure you once and for all that there is nothing wrong with not knowing how to use a vibrator. We may live in a world where Fifty Shades of Grey has become an integral part of pop-culture references but it has started to make things which should come with a caution label look easy and second nature, so much so that most women have started judging themselves for simply not knowing how to use one. What they forget is what turns you on is purely based on instinct. It’s really a method of trial and error, you learn what you like based on instinct and then you go on there.

But, if you’re still wondering how to use a vibrator, then here are eight steps that can help you along the way.

1. Be confident

There’s no shame in wanting to explore your sexuality.  It’s all about enjoying yourself.  Orgasming and exploring your sexuality are some of the biggest pleasures in life and you shouldn’t feel any shame or guilt in using a vibrator.  In fact, you should be super excited because you’re on a journey of self discovery…  The best type of self discovery, the type that leads to lots and lots of orgasms!

2.     Know What Your Vibrator is designed for…

The first thing you need to do as soon as you get a vibrator is to figure out exactly what it is designed to do. Vibrators tend to come in all shapes and sizes, with some being multi-purpose, while others are designed for one specific reason. The purpose of vibrators these days range from basic internal stimulation, clitoral stimulation and to stimulate both the clitoris and g-spot at the same time (generally called rabbit vibrators).

Once you have figured out the purpose of your vibrator, it is time to get to know how your vibrator actually works. In order to do this, you need to understand the various vibration intensities and patterns the vibrator is accompanied with. These are responsible for the pulsating of the vibrator and will play a key role using your vibrator. Most vibrators also come with instruction manuals. Thus, it is always a good idea to thoroughly read the manual before you dive into the deep end with the toy.  Looking up instructions online will also prove to be a good thing because the more knowledge you have on a topic, the chances of you being nervous decrease significantly. While you are at it, it might also be a good idea to look up product reviews online as well. This way you get to see how your toy performed for other users and that would give you an idea about how you can use it too.

3.     Get in the Mood

Once you have acquired all the knowledge that you can get about your toy, it is time to dive into actually using it. But, the first thing you have got to do is get yourself in the mood to play with yourself. The pulsations produced by vibrators tend to be extremely intense. Thus, keep yourself from getting uncomfortable and play with your new toy only when you are extremely ready to go ahead and get yourself some or start off on the lowest possible setting. If it’s still too much vibration for you use the vibrator on top of your panties to help decrease the vibration level.

Do whatever you need to do to get your pulse-rate going, read erotica, put on some porn, fantasize, as long as it gets your blood flowing, it is good enough to get you in the mood. Now, once you have done what you needed to do, turn the vibrator on. It’s not time just yet to put it between your legs and go to town with it. But, it certainly is a good idea to tease yourself with the toy on various parts of your body, just to familiarize yourself with the sensation your toy produces.

4.     Lots of Lube

Whether you are playing with a vibrator, having sex or simply masturbating, using a whole lot of lube is the way to go if you’re using an internal vibrator.  It not only helps the toy glide against your skin, keeping the tugging and scratching sensation at bay, but the sort of sensations it produces give you a whole new territory to explore. You can use any sort of lube you would like. Most recommend using a high-quality water-based lube, but you should always look up what kind of lube works best with your toy. As a rule of the thumb, always remember. Do not use silicone based lubes for toys made with silicone.

5.     Go Slow

If you are a first-time user, trust us when we say this: using a vibrator directly on your genitals on full power setting is calling for disaster. Turn the power settings on the vibrator on the lowest, using the basic pattern i.e. a constant vibration instead of a pulsing one for the start. Eventually, once you familiarize yourself with the toy or you have been playing with it for a while, you can increase the power setting and experiment with what feels good to you. But, until you are sure of what you want, it is always a good idea to ease into it.

6.     Level of Contact

Most women like to have the vibrator in direct contact with their clitoris. Others prefer a barrier of sort between the two like panties. It can be anything really. You can choose to hold the vibrator against the labia so that your clitoris gets stimulated indirectly. Or, you can keep your underwear on and try stimulating the clitoris with the vibrator. You can also use a sheet or a towel to achieve similar effects.

7.     Stimulate your Hot Spots

As mentioned earlier, most vibrators are designed for one exclusive purpose, or to use externally. Since most women need direct clitoral stimulation to climax, it makes the most sense to get yourself a vibrator that works externally. But, at the same time, you can choose to purchase one that works with internal stimulation so you can play with your erogenous zones and see what works for you. Most women prefer the in and out motion, which helps in G-spot stimulation. With the G-spot situated right underneath your abdomen, even the slightest pressure on the area can help you with your adventures.

8.     Experiment

So, there you have it. Once you have a grip on all the basics, it’s time that you start mixing things up and experiment with what you like and how you like it. Increase the intensity, decrease it, add a pulsing pattern to the mix, do whatever works for you and see what you like best.

And, do not forget to have fun!

Individual sexual choices and lifestyles vary greatly from person to person and when exploring sex and sexuality what will do it for one may be a total turn-off for another.  Anal play has been practiced by humans for thousands of years.  The ancient Romans, Egyptians and Greeks were fascinated by it.  It is thought that the first use of beads for sex play was by Cleopatra who also had images depicted of her using a dildo.  Olive oil was commonly used as a lubricant and Petronius a Roman courtier 27-66AD wrote in his novel:

“Oenothea held up a leather dildo which she oiled and covered in pepper and crushed nettle seeds and began pushing it up my arsehole, inch by inch.”

With anal play growing in popularity throughout history, people can now buy anal beads at sex toy stores.  With this in mind I wanted to explore the practices of anal play through the use of anal beads.

What are anal beads?

Anal beads are sex toys that consist of multiple spheres, balls and other circular or cylindrical shapes that are held together to form a line that is inserted into the anus to give erotic pleasure.  The most popular are tapered in size the end bit (the side you insert first) being the smallest and increasing in size with each ball.  Other variations may be all the same size or randomly different sizes.  These balls may be held together by a string (Thai beads) or the same material as the balls whether that is rubber, plastic, latex, glass, silicone or steel.  Anal beads may be vibrating or non-vibrating.

Curved anal beads are very common

Versatility is the beauty of anal beads as they can be used in solo play, foreplay, couples play and as a prelude or conclusion to anal sex.  They can also be used either by men who will stimulate their prostate and achieve a ‘P-spot orgasm’ or by women who do not have a prostate but would like to experience ‘anal orgasms’.  The smaller sizes can be used for beginners of anal play.  Another option for beginners to anal play is butt plugs.  You can read about my first adventure with anal and butt plugs here.

Another popular type of anal beads are rigid, straight anal beads

They’ve also been really popular in popular culture as evidenced by these two clips:

How to use anal beads

The most common way for women to use them is to slowly insert them, stopping as each bead passes through the narrow sphincters in the anus.  As the balls increase it will cause dilation until the largest size is reached.  Some women will repeat this procedure whilst others will then move the beads inwards and outwards increasing speed to simulate real anal sex.  Men will insert the beads into the anus until the Prostate gland is found.  Then they will stimulate it by moving it backwards and forwards over the prostate to cause an ejaculation.  This method is called ‘milking the prostate’.

Another method that is very popular with Thai Beads is to fully insert the string and balls. Then lightly jiggle the string with slight pressure that will cause each ball to ‘pop’ out of the anus. When the ball or bead is between the internal and external sphincter muscles it will cause constriction of the anus.

Couples play

During couples sex anal beads are often introduced just prior to the woman orgasming vaginally. This will intensify the orgasm and in many cases women report having intense blended orgasms.  A blended orgasm is when an orgasm is experienced simultaneously from two different parts of the body.  Women can achieve orgasm from the clitoris, labia, vagina, G-spot, A-spot and anally as a result of stimulation or penetration. Men experience orgasms from the penis and the Prostate.

Will you enjoy it?

Rather than just using the anal beads on their own, they can also be inserted into the vagina or anus during penetrative sex. If you are planning on using anal beads in this way it is recommended that the anal beads have a method of retrieval that will not be dislodged during penetration. When the anal beads of fully inserted, a lover can insert their erection or dildo inside and gently thrust. The anal beads will move alongside the thrusts for additional stimulation.

Use lube!

You’ll need lube

As with any sexual activity revolving around the anus plenty of lubricant should be used.  The anus does not self-lubricate and also absorbs water so re-application is often required.  Also if any part of the anal beads is porous, like the string, attention to disinfection and cleaning of the sex toy before and after each use is imperative to ensure safety.  Any anal toys should not be shared, but if they are precautions such as placing a condom over it and using anti-bacterial spray should be used.

Anal Beads Wrap up

There is a high concentration of nerve endings in and around the anus that will allow intense sexual enjoyment when using anal beads if done properly.  The pudendal nerve in the external sphincter muscle actually branches to the dorsal nerve of the clitoris in women and the penis in men.  This is why many fetishes are known to include anal beads to heighten sexual desire and/or gratification during intimate play.  More popular ones include ass worship, enema play, BDSM, spanking, cuckold play, pegging and of course anal sex.  Check out my anal sex guide.

Lube guilt?

The first thing I wanted to discuss is that it’s not unusual to use lube.  For me, using lube is just a part of life, it’s just the way it is, I don’t think anything of it.  It’s just lube people!  It’s a different story for others though, many women feel a bit of shame about not producing enough juice when they need to but this is absolutely ridiculous, you shouldn’t feel any guilt or shame over it.  It just is what it is, sometimes you won’t produce enough of your own lubrication and you need a helping hand.  There’s no shame and no stigma to it.

My health kick

As time passes I’m trying to eliminate more of the harmful chemicals that I use in my life.  Everything from washing detergent to hand sanitizer to dish washing liquid to just about everything I eat or drink I’ve tried to eliminate harmful chemicals.  Then I thought to myself, I use lube, I literally insert this stuff into my vagina, my most intimate area and I have no idea what’s in it so I checked.

What’s in standard lube?

When most people think of lube they think of your standard lube from the standard big companies that sell at the drug store.  The lube you’re thinking of is generally water based, so far so good right?  The issue is it can have a bunch of crap in them like Glycerin, Hydroxyethycellulose, Chlorhexidine, Gluconate, Gluconolactone, Methylparaben, Sodium Hydroxide and preservatives.

All that stuff is clearly not natural.  If that crap isn’t the type of stuff you want in such a delicate area, you should look for an alternative.  I was looking for an alternative and I knew of Jerome (I didn’t know him personally but I knew of him from his blog) from http://www.ltasex.com/ and I knew he had created a lube which was different to the mainstream and I decided to give it a go.  The lube that his company manufactures is called the Butters Lube.

What’s in the Butters lube?

Aloe vera gel, raw shea butter, pure coconut oil, pure extra virgin olive oil, pure grapeseed oil, pure palm kernel oil, pure soy lipid emulsion, apple cider vinegar, guar bean powder.

What’s not in it:

Scents, dyes, glycerine, sweeteners, parabens, alcohol, fillers, artificial stabilizers and thickeners, gluten, or phthalates.

Other important info

It’s 100% vegan, edible and wheat/gluten free.  The last thing you want with a gluten allergy is to go down on someone that’s got lube on and then end up with an upset stomach!  It would be awkward.

The test

The first thing that struck me about the product is just how different it is.  It has such a different texture and color.  When you’re used to using a certain type of product, when you use something completely different you might be a little apprehensive at first, I was.  I was a bit worried that I’d be turned off by the smell or the taste because of the oil but I wasn’t at all.  The smell and taste are very faint so I had nothing to worry about.

The Butters lube just felt luxurious to touch, unlike other lubes which are completely boring.  Now that I’ve used the Butters, other lubes remind me of hand sanitizer in color and texture so I’ll never be going back to your standard drug store lube.  Seriously, it is not sexy pulling out something that reminds me of hand sanitizer just before I’m about to get down to business.  Even the packaging of drug store lube is so boring and has zero style.

How it worked for me

I was shocked at the performance, it kept me wetter for longer and because I was using a product that’s a luxury product, my sessions just feel classier now.  It works much better than regular lube which tend to dry me out after a while.  Have I been living under a rock all these years?  How the hell could I not know that oil based lubes actually work better?

Another benefit is my partner likes to rub my chest and lube it up and it’s a good feeling.  I wouldn’t do that with normal lube because I’d feel kind of gross.

For men.

I used it on my partner, a man and usually when giving him an erotic massage I’ll spend a lot of time teasing him when I’m jerking him off and the sessions can last a long time.  I used to use normal lube and have to reapply a few times which sort of breaks the momentum and the moment.  I thought that it was just a part of it because I didn’t know any better.  Both he and I much prefer using the Butters lube to help rub one out for him.

Wrapping up

As a bonus it helps with yeast infections because all the fatty acids from the oils are really healthy for you.

Because it’s oil based, it’s not recommended for use with condoms.

The price is ridiculously good.  One of the reasons people don’t try healthier, more environmentally/animal conscious products is the price is much higher than what you’re used to paying for a product.  At the price point of the Butters you’ve got very little to lose because the price is really good.

So to sum up, it works better, it’s safer on your body, the price is great and it’s much more pleasant to use than regular lube.