Body shaming is unfortunately something which appears everywhere. In magazines, on television, even social media is full of adverts to ‘lose weight instantly’. They want us to be more tanned, skinnier, taller, slimmer, smoother. Why? To sell their products. Celebrities are seen with circles drawn around them picking out their flaws in bad angled photographs. People are encourage to nip and tuck until they look like Barbie dolls.

For the most of us though, we have become ignorant to this. We ignore the adverts, say screw the diet fads and are happy with what we have. Proud of our bodies. It’s not easy to get to the point of saying ‘Fuck it’ though, not when everyone is against you. Even my Grandma saying I have chubby thighs. But ‘respect your elders’ and all, I kept quiet.

The thing is though, this won’t stop others from saying things. Some are brain washed by the media to think that every body is perfect, everyone is airbrushed and photoshopped and cellulite doesn’t really exist. They want a barbie army.

I’m lucky as I am part of such a fantastic community of people who are beautiful no matter what their shape, size, color, height, sex, orientation etc. Being comfortable in your own skin is an amazing thing, but it doesn’t mean you always are.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

I posted a photo and being honest, I was thinking more about how scruffy my hair looked than my ass! However someone found the need to comment on my appearance, voicing their concern. Their concern that my ass and legs were going downhill. Oh. You’re concerned? They advised I squat regularly. I was genuinely speechless.

As I mentioned though, I am part of an amazing community who all had something to say on the matter. Not only did I have support on twitter, there were twenty eight more comments, twenty eight proud voices who were able to stand up and say “Fuck you”.

When someone challenges your body negatively or anyone else’s for that matter, you have the right to put them in their place. It is bullying and it is not acceptable.

If I see anyone being body shamed, I will happily lend my support and help that person have a voice when they feel they don’t.

One of the biggest issues about feeling bad about our bodies is that we don’t love our bodies as we should and then we become insecure which makes it much harder to enjoy intimate moments with a partner if you’re thinking about your thighs or cellulite or whatever.  Some even insist on having the lights off because they’re so uncomfortable with their own bodies.  It’s such a shame because you’re missing out on exploring your sexuality and all the massive amounts of pleasure that come with it.  The most attractive woman in the world is the woman who is comfortable with herself, confident in the bedroom and puts in some effort.

If you are insecure about your body, ask yourself this question, is your partners body perfect?

Neither of you are perfect and never will be so just enjoy yourselves and be grateful you’re alive and have your health.

Who has a jelly sex toy? I have one. It since went in the bin.  There are 2 major issues with jelly.

The first problem with jelly is, well, it’s jelly! So lets take this literally. If you got a bowl full of jelly, and accidentally dropped it on the floor, what would happen? It would get covered in dirt, hair, dust, bacteria and so on. The same with the vibrator, it’s filthy.  So why not just clean it?  Well you can, but it’s porous.  The bacteria and germs get everywhere and it’s very hard to clean properly, just as it would be to try and wash off jelly.

The second problem is that it may contain phthalates.  It is suggested that you use a condom on your jelly toys, as they may contain phthalates, but what’s the fun in that?  If you’re staring at that word thinking what on earth are they?! I’ll tell you.  It’s pronounced ‘Tha-layts’ and they are esters of phthalic acid which are used to increase the jellys flexibility, durability and transparency.  There are loads of health risks to it though, including breast cancer and infertility.  Even though most companies have got rid of phthalates and jelly products should be safe you have to be super careful and make sure you buy from a company you trust.  Always avoid jelly toys that don’t state their ingredients.

Jelly sex toys can be an inexpensive option but you get what you pay for.  If you do have them or use them, use a condom to protect yourself.  Personally I hate using condoms with sex toys so don’t use jelly toys.  There are so many options out there I don’t see the point in putting yourself at risk and not enjoying the event as much because I have to put a condom over a sex toy!

I got a male friend who’s into kinkier stuff than most to write this piece

So when the lovely owner of this blog requested I write something for her on spanking (she’s a bit kinky that one) I was stumped for a bit.

For many spanking, or any form of sado-masochism, is about as welcome as an invitation to give the Queen a vajazzling but for most there is at least a slight sense of curiosity on the subject (like what the queen getting a vajazzling actually looks like). It’s what makes us human (that is to say curiosity NOT vajazzling!)

So why the turn on for something that inherently causes pain to somebody you at the least want to be intimate with and at the most are in love with? What is it about an act that many of us experienced as a child when we’d misbehaved? (oh let’s not take the Freudian route here)

Is it its taboo reputation? A secret shared between people; whispered in dark corners of polite society? Well no. Not anymore anyway. Sex is (and quite rightfully) the cornerstone of the world we live in. People use it to flog bottles of perfume, or cars, or even raise awareness of veganism. It’s everywhere and that includes the harder stuff too; head off to the cinema right now and watch A Dangerous Method and you can see Michael Fassbender give Keira Knightley some very crimson cheeks. (two mentions of Freud in a few paragraphs, this cannot be a good thing!)

So S&M is hardly that much of a taboo anymore? Well I mean it is, having your gran find a whip or a full length PVC costume complete with apple gag might make for a particularly interesting conversation, but it’s no longer grounds for a social ostracizing.

Whilst common sense on this is outstripping redundant law the curiosity and the predilection still remain. So here’s what I think it’s all about: Power.

Generally (and yes there are lots of exceptions which is why it’s a generalization) people think power relationships are easy: guys enjoy being in control and girls enjoy being dominated. Now I’m struggling to think of a better demonstration of power than taking a girl over your knee and spanking her as unfortunately huge parades of tanks, missiles, and soldiers just don’t do it for most girls. (If only someone had told Joseph Stalin we might have avoided the Cold War)

But paradoxically a confident girl who likes to be in control is sexier than a Ferrari driven by 4 playboy bunnies dressed in money to those blessed with a Y chromosome. Which makes me think that women don’t want to be dominated; it’s deeper than that. Instead they allow themselves to be dominated and thus never resign control. They can always say stop or give instructions. So in essence you’re left with a girl who is full of sexual confidence, in complete control, and allowing the man to spank her.  You could spank her over a sex pillow so that you can move straight in to position once the spanking is done.  Other light kink stuff could be using anal beads if you’re up for something different.

Now isn’t that a sexy thought?

We might not all have a penchant for S&M but we all definitely have a fetish for power.

Enjoy.

A lot of men are rather interested in the reviews I write. I get quite a few curious messages. What are all these toys women have? And why do they get to have all the fun? There are even men out there who have no idea what all these toys are for. To be fair, even I look at them and think ‘What on Earth is that for?!‘

Men, there are a lot of toys on the market for you too. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to play with toys as well. Add an extra special something to make masturbation better, why not?

It’s a shame that men still seem to think that there’s a bit stigma about them playing with sex toys. What would your partner think if she caught you playing with hers? Come on, admit it. You’ve all had that bit of curiosity as to what all the fuss is about. Can that little toy really cause so much pleasure? Then what would your mates think if they found out? If you put a toy up your bum does it really make you gay? Of course not!

The irony is that even though men don’t use sex toys as much as women as there is stigma associated with it, they are more likely to frequent sex workers.  If you’ve ever wondered what a sex worker thinks and what their life is like and all the different issues they face, check out The Honest Courtesan as she’s got a really popular blog.

So I had an ask about on Twitter, and here’s some questions you had for me:

I’ve always wondered about triple play toys, knew one girl who loved them!

Not sure what a triple stimulating toy is? Most commonly a vibrator, with the addition of ‘ears’ for clitoral stimulation and an anal probe.

You thought your Jessica Rabbit was good? Well this is basically the upgrade with extra stimulation. Hitting your g spot, clitoris, and all the nerve endings in her anus, well, no wonder she loved it!

Are male and female toys interchangeable?

Well this of course depends on the toy, as long as it is used appropriately I don’t see why not! Any anal toys will be interchangeable, after all, that area is pretty much the same. However where it massages the male prostate, the toy may instead stimulate the woman’s g spot.

Men can use women’s vibrators to stimulate their perineum and testicles, nipples, and anywhere else you fancy.

Nipple clamps? Go ahead. You can use anything a woman has, just ensure if it is going to be used for anal that it is safe first with a flared base. I would say the only thing that not would be of interest to men would be a standard dildo.

As for a woman trying to use a Fleshlight, well, what are you going to do with that?

If you’re sharing toys, ensure they are cleaned thoroughly!

When is it okay to buy a woman for a sex toy?

Well, I wouldn’t recommend buying sex toys for complete strangers. You have to know a woman quite well to buy her a sex toy, to know what she likes of course. First, check that the woman actually likes sex toys. Offending someone with a toy isn’t a great start. Unfortunately, not all women are open to them.

I’m not going to say you have to be in a relationship to buy a woman a toy, as quite often male friends will buy women toys for birthdays etc. It’s more common than you think. I’d make it something quite quirky in that instance though, duck anyone?

If you are in a relationships though, just ask your woman! There’s nothing worse than being disappointed with a toy you didn’t want, believe me.

Individual sexual choices and lifestyles vary greatly from person to person and when exploring sex and sexuality what will do it for one may be a total turn-off for another.  Anal play has been practiced by humans for thousands of years.  The ancient Romans, Egyptians and Greeks were fascinated by it.  It is thought that the first use of beads for sex play was by Cleopatra who also had images depicted of her using a dildo.  Olive oil was commonly used as a lubricant and Petronius a Roman courtier 27-66AD wrote in his novel:

“Oenothea held up a leather dildo which she oiled and covered in pepper and crushed nettle seeds and began pushing it up my arsehole, inch by inch.”

With anal play growing in popularity throughout history, people can now buy anal beads at sex toy stores.  With this in mind I wanted to explore the practices of anal play through the use of anal beads.

What are anal beads?

Anal beads are sex toys that consist of multiple spheres, balls and other circular or cylindrical shapes that are held together to form a line that is inserted into the anus to give erotic pleasure.  The most popular are tapered in size the end bit (the side you insert first) being the smallest and increasing in size with each ball.  Other variations may be all the same size or randomly different sizes.  These balls may be held together by a string (Thai beads) or the same material as the balls whether that is rubber, plastic, latex, glass, silicone or steel.  Anal beads may be vibrating or non-vibrating.

Curved anal beads are very common

Versatility is the beauty of anal beads as they can be used in solo play, foreplay, couples play and as a prelude or conclusion to anal sex.  They can also be used either by men who will stimulate their prostate and achieve a ‘P-spot orgasm’ or by women who do not have a prostate but would like to experience ‘anal orgasms’.  The smaller sizes can be used for beginners of anal play.  Another option for beginners to anal play is butt plugs.  You can read about my first adventure with anal and butt plugs here.

Another popular type of anal beads are rigid, straight anal beads

They’ve also been really popular in popular culture as evidenced by these two clips:

How to use anal beads

The most common way for women to use them is to slowly insert them, stopping as each bead passes through the narrow sphincters in the anus.  As the balls increase it will cause dilation until the largest size is reached.  Some women will repeat this procedure whilst others will then move the beads inwards and outwards increasing speed to simulate real anal sex.  Men will insert the beads into the anus until the Prostate gland is found.  Then they will stimulate it by moving it backwards and forwards over the prostate to cause an ejaculation.  This method is called ‘milking the prostate’.

Another method that is very popular with Thai Beads is to fully insert the string and balls. Then lightly jiggle the string with slight pressure that will cause each ball to ‘pop’ out of the anus. When the ball or bead is between the internal and external sphincter muscles it will cause constriction of the anus.

Couples play

During couples sex anal beads are often introduced just prior to the woman orgasming vaginally. This will intensify the orgasm and in many cases women report having intense blended orgasms.  A blended orgasm is when an orgasm is experienced simultaneously from two different parts of the body.  Women can achieve orgasm from the clitoris, labia, vagina, G-spot, A-spot and anally as a result of stimulation or penetration. Men experience orgasms from the penis and the Prostate.

Will you enjoy it?

Rather than just using the anal beads on their own, they can also be inserted into the vagina or anus during penetrative sex. If you are planning on using anal beads in this way it is recommended that the anal beads have a method of retrieval that will not be dislodged during penetration. When the anal beads of fully inserted, a lover can insert their erection or dildo inside and gently thrust. The anal beads will move alongside the thrusts for additional stimulation.

Use lube!

You’ll need lube

As with any sexual activity revolving around the anus plenty of lubricant should be used.  The anus does not self-lubricate and also absorbs water so re-application is often required.  Also if any part of the anal beads is porous, like the string, attention to disinfection and cleaning of the sex toy before and after each use is imperative to ensure safety.  Any anal toys should not be shared, but if they are precautions such as placing a condom over it and using anti-bacterial spray should be used.

Anal Beads Wrap up

There is a high concentration of nerve endings in and around the anus that will allow intense sexual enjoyment when using anal beads if done properly.  The pudendal nerve in the external sphincter muscle actually branches to the dorsal nerve of the clitoris in women and the penis in men.  This is why many fetishes are known to include anal beads to heighten sexual desire and/or gratification during intimate play.  More popular ones include ass worship, enema play, BDSM, spanking, cuckold play, pegging and of course anal sex.  Check out my anal sex guide.

Lube guilt?

The first thing I wanted to discuss is that it’s not unusual to use lube.  For me, using lube is just a part of life, it’s just the way it is, I don’t think anything of it.  It’s just lube people!  It’s a different story for others though, many women feel a bit of shame about not producing enough juice when they need to but this is absolutely ridiculous, you shouldn’t feel any guilt or shame over it.  It just is what it is, sometimes you won’t produce enough of your own lubrication and you need a helping hand.  There’s no shame and no stigma to it.

My health kick

As time passes I’m trying to eliminate more of the harmful chemicals that I use in my life.  Everything from washing detergent to hand sanitizer to dish washing liquid to just about everything I eat or drink I’ve tried to eliminate harmful chemicals.  Then I thought to myself, I use lube, I literally insert this stuff into my vagina, my most intimate area and I have no idea what’s in it so I checked.

What’s in standard lube?

When most people think of lube they think of your standard lube from the standard big companies that sell at the drug store.  The lube you’re thinking of is generally water based, so far so good right?  The issue is it can have a bunch of crap in them like Glycerin, Hydroxyethycellulose, Chlorhexidine, Gluconate, Gluconolactone, Methylparaben, Sodium Hydroxide and preservatives.

All that stuff is clearly not natural.  If that crap isn’t the type of stuff you want in such a delicate area, you should look for an alternative.  I was looking for an alternative and I knew of Jerome (I didn’t know him personally but I knew of him from his blog) from http://www.ltasex.com/ and I knew he had created a lube which was different to the mainstream and I decided to give it a go.  The lube that his company manufactures is called the Butters Lube.

What’s in the Butters lube?

Aloe vera gel, raw shea butter, pure coconut oil, pure extra virgin olive oil, pure grapeseed oil, pure palm kernel oil, pure soy lipid emulsion, apple cider vinegar, guar bean powder.

What’s not in it:

Scents, dyes, glycerine, sweeteners, parabens, alcohol, fillers, artificial stabilizers and thickeners, gluten, or phthalates.

Other important info

It’s 100% vegan, edible and wheat/gluten free.  The last thing you want with a gluten allergy is to go down on someone that’s got lube on and then end up with an upset stomach!  It would be awkward.

The test

The first thing that struck me about the product is just how different it is.  It has such a different texture and color.  When you’re used to using a certain type of product, when you use something completely different you might be a little apprehensive at first, I was.  I was a bit worried that I’d be turned off by the smell or the taste because of the oil but I wasn’t at all.  The smell and taste are very faint so I had nothing to worry about.

The Butters lube just felt luxurious to touch, unlike other lubes which are completely boring.  Now that I’ve used the Butters, other lubes remind me of hand sanitizer in color and texture so I’ll never be going back to your standard drug store lube.  Seriously, it is not sexy pulling out something that reminds me of hand sanitizer just before I’m about to get down to business.  Even the packaging of drug store lube is so boring and has zero style.

How it worked for me

I was shocked at the performance, it kept me wetter for longer and because I was using a product that’s a luxury product, my sessions just feel classier now.  It works much better than regular lube which tend to dry me out after a while.  Have I been living under a rock all these years?  How the hell could I not know that oil based lubes actually work better?

Another benefit is my partner likes to rub my chest and lube it up and it’s a good feeling.  I wouldn’t do that with normal lube because I’d feel kind of gross.

For men.

I used it on my partner, a man and usually when giving him an erotic massage I’ll spend a lot of time teasing him when I’m jerking him off and the sessions can last a long time.  I used to use normal lube and have to reapply a few times which sort of breaks the momentum and the moment.  I thought that it was just a part of it because I didn’t know any better.  Both he and I much prefer using the Butters lube to help rub one out for him.

Wrapping up

As a bonus it helps with yeast infections because all the fatty acids from the oils are really healthy for you.

Because it’s oil based, it’s not recommended for use with condoms.

The price is ridiculously good.  One of the reasons people don’t try healthier, more environmentally/animal conscious products is the price is much higher than what you’re used to paying for a product.  At the price point of the Butters you’ve got very little to lose because the price is really good.

So to sum up, it works better, it’s safer on your body, the price is great and it’s much more pleasant to use than regular lube.